Accidental Heartbreak

New life ; My life.

2011-06-23T11:56:00.000+08:00

It has been awhile since I last penned down my thoughts. Anyway, today would be my 2nd last day of my training!! Oh yea, the day has finally arrived but ironically, I don't exactly feel the excitement and the joy of getting out of here. If it was not for the people I'm required to report to, I would have definitely extended this training with a customized contract of course. Heck no, I'm not gonna work here for rm10 a day. I wouldn't say the experience hasn't been good but the environment here is a little...weird? Or maybe, its because I'm just sprouting out in this work world. Compared to last week, workload has been less hectic for me and crazily, I wish I have more proposals, corporate rates and BEOs to do.

Me being a cold heartless bitch like I've been labeled, I would say its funny how I think I'm gonna miss a certain people here. Him, that's for sure. LOL. I somehow seem to attract guys/relationships like this like fire to a moth. Sad thing is, it either gets too serious and I end up feeling more than I should or I run away when the other side gets too clingy. Why can't we just maintain the same after awhile? If it really has to change, why can't it be on the same page so that we can both move on together or separate peacefully? Feelings, such an unpredictable and uncontrollable emotion that sometimes put people in difficult and complicated situations. FUCK feelings, FUCK love.

Feelings aside, my current excitement is moving into the new place! New house, new life, new memories perhaps? Gone with the old and in with the new! The past few years has been such a bumpy road, literally went to hell and back. Now, its MY time to run my show and shine. Lovers, please stay and ride along with me; haters, you can stay and watch or you can also fuck off, either way, i don't really care.

We're in the midst of shifting so the house is really in a mess, boxes everywhere. We literally have to climb over just to get over to the other side (as though I lived in a mansion)! haha..Going thru my cupboards and drawers last nite, HOMAIGOD!! Things inside there, it there was an expiry date, it would have been moldy and at least 5yrs old!! *hides face*

Ok, time to go for lunch now! Yay...*dance dance*

Brighter Future?

2011-05-02T21:48:00.000+08:00

I feel I'm in control now! ok, dat was a lie. anyway, I'm proud of myself. I've accomplished alot today! I pick up the pieces by going over to his place to take my stuff back. To my surprise, it was already in the bag. honestly, I didnt know how to feel when I saw dat. was it relieved? or was it heartbroken? I've lost the words to describe the feeling now. anyway, I saw there was some of her stuff there. I was tempted to trash it but then, why on earth should I sink to her level. she wants him, she can have him. coz I do know dat they wont last. with all said and done, I wish him the best in his future without me. he could have a great one with me but he chose to leave, so it will no longer be my problem anymore. donated blood again after 8months. yay!! i think dis is the best feeling so far.... =)

Men are pigs...

2011-04-29T13:29:00.000+08:00

Why is it guys always just one that one thing and expecting nothing to happen? Arent they the most selfish bastards in the world? sigh. but I must admit, he did give me the heads up on not wanting anything serious. But how is it we can control feelings. luckily for me, im not attached to him and nothing has happened. who knows, things might happen in the future but why bother worring about it when life is indeed so short? I wont say he is using me cause I do know for a fact that Im using him as a rebound and distraction as well. lets just pray that I can stay on the staight line and not cross the line of emotions. anyway, he isnt the type of person I would wanna rely on for he is just too young and maybe can be a lil immature. I need a man, NOT a boy.. but the last i heard, the men are either taken or all dead. so, screw them....screw them all for I should not be playing in this game called love for a long period of time. fullstop!

Road to Recovery?

2011-04-28T13:37:00.000+08:00

Two days ago..the day I would have been waiting excitedly if we were still together. Surpringly, I didnt feel the hurt as much as I thought I would feel..I must say, I am proud of myself. but I gotta admit, it was this guy at work that distracted me from thinking of the ex. isnt it cool now that I can actually say it out loud? I believe Im finally on the road to recovery. this particular guy at work, I dont exactly know how to read him. I've been telling another colleague of mine that he would be a good flirt but he wouldnt be a good boyfriend. the problem with me is, I would not how far I've fallen until I fall smack down on my face. sigh. wat am i to do now? a great distraction? but then again, what if I never learn and fall in too deep again? if only this guy is for real. the he might be a good candidate for I need someone who is fun to be with and enables me to mingle around. however, we both know what he wants from me and for my sake, I hope I wake up fast enough this time.

Sparks?

2011-04-20T21:17:00.000+08:00

There's been so many things on my mind lately and i'm sure those who have been reading my blog would know my mind is usually occupied by the love of my heart. or I thought he was but he doesn't seem to be responding lately. oh well, i've got another problem now. there's this guy in my department. i know there would never be "something" coz he's a sweet talker and I think those who know him would agree if I saw he's a flirt. anyway, i know for sure i don't feel anything for him other than "curiosity" and maybe a lil excitement after from being out of the game for so long. but the thing is, I don't trust him. I think its kinda clear on what he wants. and we're definitely NOT on the same page. however, maybe I've been playing safe for too long. I wont deny that there's an attraction but like what people say..."sometimes we shouldn't rock the boat". Maybe he's right. Mousy is indeed scared for mousy have been severely hurt before and she might never recover.

Birthday?

2011-04-17T22:16:00.000+08:00

How is it that I dont know how to be happy on the very same day I was born 23years ago? in fact, it had been one of the most depressing day ever. took a day off and I didnt know what to do. all i know was that i have to be out from the house and go for dinner with a friend. dinner was meant to be a surprise birthday dinner for me but i somehow knew what and who were gonna be there. the real surprise was I was earlier than everyone one. I truly appreciate for them coming for the dinner, however during the dinner, I felt all alone. it was so noisy and yet I can hear my own thoughts. it made me want to cry instead. and yeap, mum forgot it was my birthday. in my whole 23 years of life, this was the very first time she forgot and there wasnt any dinner from her to celebrate it. I dont know to feel upset and thankful for it. all I can feel is that I wish there is an empty shell for me to crawl in and not let anyone find me. hopefully one day they'll forget I exist. goodbye

Sanity

2011-04-08T01:50:00.000+08:00

Isn't it silly that until this very moment, whenever I get a message from him, my heart stop beating a lil while? and the craziest part is when even a short, simple and irrelevant reply from him makes my heart wanna burst into a million pieces of gold dust coz of the excitement and happiness I get? ok, typing it out now kinda question my sanity but that is exactly how I feel...so please tell me, how can we be over? *teardrops*

Just a dream?

2011-04-06T00:10:00.001+08:00

Hi world! Just got back from Penang with my bestie baby Farah after a 3days and 2nites of fun. And shhh...we got lazy and took MC yesterday! hahaha...Had loads of fun in Penang! Went to many places that I've never been to such as Nasi Kandar Beratur!! omg, that freaking place is seriously overated ok!! waited for bloody 1hour for my rice and to find it so-so,its such a disappointment. *grrrrr* But what I was most satisfied was going to Kek Lok Si Temple to pray for both mum and him. The most ironic thing was, when we were going up to the Guan Yin statue, Pink, his gf and another friend. Seriously, of all people, why pink? Thank god he didnt ask or say anything so I just pretended that I don't recognised him. sigh. Spent quite a fair bit in that temple buying those praying stuff and I don't mind at all. I just hope and wish for it to come true. bigger sigh.

Anyway, back to the real world. Its my 1st day in spa! *yay* finally right?!! =P its kinda boring over there, just folding towels and checking whether all candles are lighted up, towels/bathrobe all in place, etc... but there is a tv and sofa at the staff lounge so i get to chill out there. hehehe. oh yea, I get to wear slippers too!! wooohooo!!! hahahha..let's hope this department would be a smooth sailing one! XD

Went to watch "Just go with it" and its so cliche but yet, it never fails to give me hope. i dunno what's wrong but after watching that movie and also "Don't go breaking my heart", it really hits me. he is constantly in my mind these days and I'm far more happy to keep him there even if I don't get to be with him. Call me silly but if that's only what is left, so be it. a friend is asking me to let go, but how? how can i do that? I'm sorry, I can't. If I can't have him in real life, at least let him be mine in my dreams, my world. And if I can't even have him there, then there is truly nothing left for me in this world. G'nite y'all!

All About Work?

2011-03-25T23:44:00.000+08:00

Ok, im back!! after days of being MIA, i decided to come back and update about stuff im going thru at the moment. Im into my third month of training and honestly, I've got no clue on how i feel about continuing working in the hotel industry after graduation. Well, i"ve told my parents that I won't wanna work until i've officially graduate from my degree! *woohooooo* it's like FINALLY rite? hehehe...like i said, im having mixed feelings about it. but i suppose the problem goes the same anywhere. there are always screwed up people in every organisation rite? *sigh*

i met the love of my life again the other day. after so long, seeing him again made me feel like i was holding my breath since the last time i saw him. i know, we aren't exactly together anymore but i don't feel that way. he is still very much apart of me and i just cant let him go. maybe its true, we can never let go of our first love. the feeling of seeing him again, gosh...its so hard to describe the feeling.. its like i had a rose bud inside me that was blooming as big as the sun! anyway, spending a few hours with him was the best hours i had in these 3 months! i am so looking forward to see him again! =D

oh yea, i just applied leave from my department. had to crack my head for giving them a very valid reason to approve my leave. and guess wat? i got it!!! YAY!! lets hope then wont find out. *lips are sealed* btw, its time for me to shut my lappie and rest early for my next war tomorrow with my colleagues! tata for now. nites people! mwahhh

Hi! I exist.. =P

2011-03-12T02:09:00.000+08:00

Hello people!!

I'm new! This shall be my very first beginning in writing out my thoughts out loud. Honestly, I didn't know what strike me into writing blogs. Maybe it's because I've got so much to say but somehow worry what people might say or how they'll judge me. So, whoever that reads this, you may or may not agree in how I see things but I do hope it gives you all a different perspective in seeing things in life.

Life. What the hell is it all about? I'm currently going thru some major issues in life. At this point in time, I would say my life sux real bad. Everything is falling apart and i wish i could blame it on someone but look left, look right, there's only me. Surrounded by hundreds and maybe thousands of people daily but all i see is just me standing alone. The world's so big but why am i alone? i have a dysfunctional family. i love and am still deeply in love with a guy who i'm no longer with. i have friends who i know i can rely on but i just don't know why i keep pushing them away when i'm going thru the darkest moments in my life. Ok, reading back what i just type, its safe to say im psycho! arghhhhh!!!

Oh yea, not to mention, i hate my effing job! to be fair, its not a job since its training but yea, i hate it still...gtg for now. the bed's calling and the clock is ticking! yikesss....good nite to everyone out there!