New life ; My life.

It has been awhile since I last penned down my thoughts. Anyway, today would be my 2nd last day of my training!! Oh yea, the day has finally arrived but ironically, I don't exactly feel the excitement and the joy of getting out of here. If it was not for the people I'm required to report to, I would have definitely extended this training with a customized contract of course. Heck no, I'm not gonna work here for rm10 a day. I wouldn't say the experience hasn't been good but the environment here is a little...weird? Or maybe, its because I'm just sprouting out in this work world. Compared to last week, workload has been less hectic for me and crazily, I wish I have more proposals, corporate rates and BEOs to do.

Me being a cold heartless bitch like I've been labeled, I would say its funny how I think I'm gonna miss a certain people here. Him, that's for sure. LOL. I somehow seem to attract guys/relationships like this like fire to a moth. Sad thing is, it either gets too serious and I end up feeling more than I should or I run away when the other side gets too clingy. Why can't we just maintain the same after awhile? If it really has to change, why can't it be on the same page so that we can both move on together or separate peacefully? Feelings, such an unpredictable and uncontrollable emotion that sometimes put people in difficult and complicated situations. FUCK feelings, FUCK love.

Feelings aside, my current excitement is moving into the new place! New house, new life, new memories perhaps? Gone with the old and in with the new! The past few years has been such a bumpy road, literally went to hell and back. Now, its MY time to run my show and shine. Lovers, please stay and ride along with me; haters, you can stay and watch or you can also fuck off, either way, i don't really care.

We're in the midst of shifting so the house is really in a mess, boxes everywhere. We literally have to climb over just to get over to the other side (as though I lived in a mansion)! haha..Going thru my cupboards and drawers last nite, HOMAIGOD!! Things inside there, it there was an expiry date, it would have been moldy and at least 5yrs old!! *hides face*

Ok, time to go for lunch now! Yay...*dance dance*

Brighter Future?

I feel I'm in control now! ok, dat was a lie. anyway, I'm proud of myself. I've accomplished alot today! I pick up the pieces by going over to his place to take my stuff back. To my surprise, it was already in the bag. honestly, I didnt know how to feel when I saw dat. was it relieved? or was it heartbroken? I've lost the words to describe the feeling now. anyway, I saw there was some of her stuff there. I was tempted to trash it but then, why on earth should I sink to her level. she wants him, she can have him. coz I do know dat they wont last. with all said and done, I wish him the best in his future without me. he could have a great one with me but he chose to leave, so it will no longer be my problem anymore. donated blood again after 8months. yay!! i think dis is the best feeling so far.... =)

Men are pigs...

Why is it guys always just one that one thing and expecting nothing to happen? Arent they the most selfish bastards in the world? sigh. but I must admit, he did give me the heads up on not wanting anything serious. But how is it we can control feelings. luckily for me, im not attached to him and nothing has happened. who knows, things might happen in the future but why bother worring about it when life is indeed so short? I wont say he is using me cause I do know for a fact that Im using him as a rebound and distraction as well. lets just pray that I can stay on the staight line and not cross the line of emotions. anyway, he isnt the type of person I would wanna rely on for he is just too young and maybe can be a lil immature. I need a man, NOT a boy.. but the last i heard, the men are either taken or all dead. so, screw them....screw them all for I should not be playing in this game called love for a long period of time. fullstop!

Road to Recovery?

Two days ago..the day I would have been waiting excitedly if we were still together. Surpringly, I didnt feel the hurt as much as I thought I would feel..I must say, I am proud of myself. but I gotta admit, it was this guy at work that distracted me from thinking of the ex. isnt it cool now that I can actually say it out loud? I believe Im finally on the road to recovery. this particular guy at work, I dont exactly know how to read him. I've been telling another colleague of mine that he would be a good flirt but he wouldnt be a good boyfriend. the problem with me is, I would not how far I've fallen until I fall smack down on my face. sigh. wat am i to do now? a great distraction? but then again, what if I never learn and fall in too deep again? if only this guy is for real. the he might be a good candidate for I need someone who is fun to be with and enables me to mingle around. however, we both know what he wants from me and for my sake, I hope I wake up fast enough this time.

Sparks?

There's been so many things on my mind lately and i'm sure those who have been reading my blog would know my mind is usually occupied by the love of my heart. or I thought he was but he doesn't seem to be responding lately. oh well, i've got another problem now. there's this guy in my department. i know there would never be "something" coz he's a sweet talker and I think those who know him would agree if I saw he's a flirt. anyway, i know for sure i don't feel anything for him other than "curiosity" and maybe a lil excitement after from being out of the game for so long. but the thing is, I don't trust him. I think its kinda clear on what he wants. and we're definitely NOT on the same page. however, maybe I've been playing safe for too long. I wont deny that there's an attraction but like what people say..."sometimes we shouldn't rock the boat". Maybe he's right. Mousy is indeed scared for mousy have been severely hurt before and she might never recover.

Birthday?

How is it that I dont know how to be happy on the very same day I was born 23years ago? in fact, it had been one of the most depressing day ever. took a day off and I didnt know what to do. all i know was that i have to be out from the house and go for dinner with a friend. dinner was meant to be a surprise birthday dinner for me but i somehow knew what and who were gonna be there. the real surprise was I was earlier than everyone one. I truly appreciate for them coming for the dinner, however during the dinner, I felt all alone. it was so noisy and yet I can hear my own thoughts. it made me want to cry instead. and yeap, mum forgot it was my birthday. in my whole 23 years of life, this was the very first time she forgot and there wasnt any dinner from her to celebrate it. I dont know to feel upset and thankful for it. all I can feel is that I wish there is an empty shell for me to crawl in and not let anyone find me. hopefully one day they'll forget I exist. goodbye

Sanity

Isn't it silly that until this very moment, whenever I get a message from him, my heart stop beating a lil while? and the craziest part is when even a short, simple and irrelevant reply from him makes my heart wanna burst into a million pieces of gold dust coz of the excitement and happiness I get? ok, typing it out now kinda question my sanity but that is exactly how I feel...so please tell me, how can we be over? *teardrops*